


the weight of everything

by agentcalliope



Series: all you have is your fire (and the place you need to reach) [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Canon Compliant, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Toph Beifong and Zuko are Siblings, obligatory toph finds out about zuko's scar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:54:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24914188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentcalliope/pseuds/agentcalliope
Summary: Something’s wrong. Suddenly, it’s too much. For him, for her, and it's enough to make her feel scared. Toph reaches out to touch his hand, and he flinches. He’s always run hot, been a little flighty. But this—this is different.Zuko says he’s fine.He’s lying.(Toph and Zuko talk about realizations and wishes.)
Relationships: The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar), Toph Beifong & Zuko
Series: all you have is your fire (and the place you need to reach) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1808362
Comments: 105
Kudos: 1809
Collections: Quality Fics





	the weight of everything

When he comes back, and finds them all waiting for him, he says that he’s fine. Seriously. They don’t need to look at him like that. He’s totally and completely okay.

Toph imagines that as he says this, Zuko smiles. She imagines that his smile’s a crooked one, meant to put them at ease. But Toph doesn’t have to imagine the little crack in his voice when he says “I’m fine,” and the slight tremble in his hand when he reaches up and unravels his top knot. She doesn’t need to be the greatest earthbender in the world to know that he’s lying, and she knows that the others know it too.

Katara makes her way to him slowly, and without hesitating, places her hand on his shoulder and tells him that they’re here for him, always. If he wants to talk about anything, everything, they’re here to listen.

Zuko stiffly bows, and thanks her. It’s so formal and out of place that if this was any other time Toph would’ve snorted and laughed. But she doesn’t. He clears his throat and thanks all of them. Answers that he’s just tired, and that he’s going to bed. Seriously. Stop looking at him like that! He’s honestly, totally fine.

The silence that follows is deafening, and screams what isn’t said: He’s not okay. He’s not _fine_.

Zuko turns around and walks away, further into the palace, away from them.

Suki and Sokka murmur quietly to themselves, and then branch off. Aang and Katara do the same. All who’s left is Toph, left behind.

She waits.

And waits, and waits.

And then she follows.

It’s easy to find him.

Well, sort of. Even now, clearly not himself and recovering from the Agni Kai, Zuko is still silent and sneaky. It takes her a bit longer than she likes to, and will ever admit, but she finally tracks him down to the garden. He’s kneeling by the edge of the pond, hunched over, face in his hands. Underneath her feet, Toph can feel his heartbeat quicken, his breath irregular. Zuko’s always run hot, but right now he’s radiating so much heat that she’s not even that close to him and it’s almost too much for her to handle. When she comes next to him, she doesn’t know if he hasn’t noticed that she’s there, or if he’s just pretending that he hasn’t.

So, Toph sits.

And waits, and waits.

And she listens. Listens to Zuko inhale, exhale. _Inhale exhale exhale inhale inhale inhale exhale—_

Something’s wrong. Suddenly, it’s too much. This is more than the pain from Azula, and it’s enough to make her feel _scared_. “Woah there,” Toph bites back on _Sparky_ , because she’s sure this isn’t the time and place for that. And she’s glad she does because when she reaches out to touch his hand, he flinches. Zuko’s always run hot, been a little flighty. But this—this is different.

“Breathe,” Toph says firmly, bringing her hand up and taking a breath. “In,” She lowers her hand and exhales. “Out. In. Out. ”

It takes a couple of minutes, but soon they’re breathing in unison. His heartbeat has slowed down, a little, and she scoots closer to him, even with all the heat he’s still giving off.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Zuko clears his throat, and his voice is hoarse when he answers. “No.”

“Okay.” Toph replies. She hesitates, and then picks herself up. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

She’s about to turn around when a hand— a sweaty, shaky hand, grips her arm.

“Yes. No. I don’t know.”

Toph sits back down, keeps her head forward.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to decide, right now. I’ll wait.”

And she does.

The garden is silent. The water is calm, and there’s no breeze weaving through the trees. There’s no quacking from the turtleducks, no chirping from the cricket-cicadas, no servants gossiping and walking down the hallways.

The garden, tonight, is empty. And silent. Except when it’s not.

“Sorry.”

It’s a whisper. The kind of whisper that would get lost in the wind, if there was any. The kind of whisper that anyone would struggle to hear—that anyone with eyes that see would find difficult to understand.

Toph bites her lip. “What did he say?”

“What do you mean?”

“To make you so,” She searches for the right word, and doesn’t find anything that would describe it well, and so she settles on, “Scared.”

Zuko shakes his head, gingerly draws his knees up and hugs them, making himself seem smaller. “That’s the thing. He didn’t say anything, really. I asked him about my mother, and he gave me an answer. So, nothing really happened. I don’t know why I freaked out. Sorry.”

He apologizes too much, and she wonders if she should tell him that. She also wonders what Zuko looks like, with his Fire Lord robes and untied hair, hunched over with all the weight he carries on his shoulders.

“It’s hard when you have to face someone who’s hurt you so much.”

“I’ve confronted him before.”

Toph huffs, blows her bangs out of her face only for them to settle right back. “It doesn’t mean it gets easier every time. And didn’t he try to kill you that time?”

A sigh. “Yeah.”

She shifts a bit closer, just enough that she hopes he won’t notice. Or, that he’ll pretend not to notice. “Then no wonder you kind of freaked out. It’s a lot for anyone to handle, but especially with your father.”

Zuko shakes his head. “Now that everything’s over, now that he’s behind bars— I— I don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?”

“Like, I’m realizing how _bad_ it was. He was,” Zuko sighs again, and slowly leans back to lie down on the grass. “I really spent my whole life trying to make him love me, thought that it was something _I_ had to do for him. And then when he burned me, when he banished me, I thought that it was _my_ fault. That it was something I had done, that I deserved. How could I ever think a father could do that to his child? That it was okay? It took me so long to see, to really _see_ , but it’s still so hard to wrap my brain around how _fucked_ up everything is and I don’t know _what to do with it_.”

Toph hears him, listens to him. How could she not? She lets his words take form in her mind, and thinks for all her own family problems she could not possibly know what he’s feeling, right now. She will never, truly, understand.

And she doesn’t understand what he means by, _when he burned me_ , although she has a feeling she might. It’s enough to send chills down her spine. It’s enough to make her own heart beat a little bit faster.

“Ozai… burned you?”

The shock in his voice is loud, and she imagines that she can feel its vibrations in the earth. “You… don’t know?”

“I can’t _see_ , how would I know?”

“Oh.”

Toph hesitates. “Is this, _the_ scar?”

“...Yeah.”

The garden becomes silent once again.

“Zuko.” She says.

“Toph.” He replies.

“Can I…” She mulls over the words carefully, before she speaks. “Can I see it?”

She thinks, or rather guesses, that he’s never been asked before.

No, that’s stupid. Of course he’s never been asked before.

There’s a pause. And then a rustle as he sits up, turns his body towards her. Zuko, silently, takes her hands and lifts them to his face.

Toph, silently, sees _everything_.

With her palms, she feels the dead skin, rough and ribbed. With her fingers, the slit of his eye, the husk of his ear. She feels the asymmetrical sides of his face and with it all the pain, the fear, and the destruction. The mark of a father’s abuse draped across his face, for the rest of his life.

When she lets him go, Zuko lets out a shuddering breath. “I was thirteen. I wanted to go to this war meeting, and I--”

“I honestly don’t care about what happened. It doesn’t matter.” Toph snaps, and instead of feeling his face anymore she’s feeling so much anger, twisting deep within her gut. She clenches her hands into fists and laces her voice with as much venom as she can muster. “It doesn’t matter because _nothing_ you could’ve done would’ve made this okay.”

Zuko laughs, taking her a bit off guard until she realizes. It’s a different kind of laugh. The kind of laugh you do because if you don’t, you’ll just cry, and you don’t know if you’ll ever be able to stop. “I know that.” He whispers. “Now.”

He sounds so… sad.

“I’ve had it for a long time. But.. sometimes, still, I’ll find myself looking at my reflection.” Zuko moves towards the water, and Toph imagines he’s staring down at it. “And I’ll cover it with my hand, and hold my breath, and convince myself that when I take it away, it’ll be gone.” He exhales, and turns his head towards her. “Is that stupid?”

Honestly, Toph wants to scream. She wants to scream at Zuko that _no it’s not stupid_ _it’s not at all how could he say that think that way?_ She wants to scream and march right up to Ozai and strangle him and no one would be able to stop her.

Honestly, Toph wants to cry. She wants to cry and tell Zuko that she’s _so, so sorry_. It’s not fair. He didn’t deserve it then, he doesn’t deserve it now. He’s dealing with the consequences of someone else’s actions, someone who was supposed to love him unconditionally. She wants to cry because this is too much pain for any single _fucking_ person to go through.

So, what does she do?

(What can she do, if not this?)

Toph reaches down, scoops up some water in her hands, and splashes him. It’s completely caught Zuko by surprise, and he splutters and shakes his head, wipes at his face. She finds herself laughing, and finds him laughing, too.

It’s a different kind of laugh. It’s a laugh that’s full, and shared.

When they stop to take a breath, Toph’s decided on what to do. It’s unlike her, and the words sound so foreign on her tongue, but she asks anyway. “Would it be okay if I hugged you?”

His heart beats a little bit faster, and then as fast as it came, it goes away, becoming steady again.

“Yeah. That’s okay.”

Toph uncurls her fists, opening her arms wide as she can, embracing him. He’s holding himself so stiff, so rigid. She doesn’t even have to think about it before she tilts her head to fit in the crook of his neck.

He smells like fire, which makes sense. But it’s the kind of fire that makes you feel warm and cozy and safe. His arms slowly wrap around her, and he rests his cheek on top of her head. Zuko sighs, and Toph imagines that his eyes close, a ghost of a smile on his lips.

It isn’t enough. It will never be enough. Toph wishes she could do more, but she knows she can’t. She may not be able to take away his burden, but he won’t be alone shouldering the weight of it all.

It’s the least she can do, for her friend.

They stay that way for a while, and don’t say anything at all.

(What else is there to say?)

***

Zuko rises with the sun.

But instead of waking up in his bed, in his room, he wakes up in the garden. He’s laying on the grass, and somehow it’s softer than any bed he’s ever been in. Around him, the palace begins to come to life. He watches as the turtleducks waddle into the pond, and listens to the faint chatter of servants discussing what must be done today. There’s a slight breeze, and it feels nice against his skin. His chest doesn’t hurt as much, as it did yesterday.

Curled up besides him is Toph, snoring loudly. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.

Steady.

Calm.

And Safe.

Zuko smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr @ agentcalliope-- I am falling hard and fast for Avatar. A thank you to Luka, Kim and Alex for encouraging me and betaing this! I appreciate and love you guys. Also thank you, Reader. I hope you enjoyed.


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